My Dedication

Greetings all,

I did write the first draft of the letter this week, but I would rather tell you that I dedicated into my coven last night! My husband dedicated too. We did the ritual simultaneously! Yay! I really enjoyed the ritual and feel really great about the direction I'm moving in the coven.

*happy dance*

Lots of Painting

Haven't written the letter yet, it's on my list of things to do today.

I've done a lot of painting this week:

Quite a Weekend

Well, I had quite a weekend. I had really severe stomach pains in the early morning on Sunday, they got worse and worse. So, my husband took me to an urgent care center and they told me it seemed like I might have appendicitis and directed us to go to the ER. We tripped off to the ER. I was in massive pain (and I have a very high tolerance for pain). Checked in at 4pm, was checked in thru triage between 4-5:30, had blood draw around 6pm (I reacted really badly...I blacked out and nearly fainted), had a CT Scan around 7pm, was finally called back around midnight. They didn't put me in a room, just in a bed in a hallway. This bed happened to be right at the entrance of the hall and everyone's friends & family members stared at me like I was on display or like they were hoping to see a dead body or a naked person. I was crying because I was in pain and frustrated at this point. The hospital staff didn't acknowledge us again around 2am (when I need tissues because I had been crying so much, my husband had to ask the house keeping staff). A Doctor or Special Nurse, I don't know she didn't introduce herself, walked up and asked why I was here (in an annoyingly Barbie Doll voice) and listened to my boobs with her stethoscope and left. Around 3am a nurse walked over and said "Let's start a drip and then we'll get you discharged." We promptly let her know that no one had told us the results of my tests or what was wrong with me and implied that it would be nice to know. She told me it was just a bladder infection and made me feel stupid for being there, she hooked up my IV, she inserted pain meds, and I cried because I felt stupid and bad until the drip was over. She took the drip out and at close to 4am gave me Rx's and paperwork and sent us to pay. My husband dealt with the accounting people, I don't really remember much; I do remember a drunk guy walking thru asking everyone for money because he needed a tank of gas to get his brand new 6lbs baby and wife home.

Everyone has been really supportive of me and sending me well wishes. And I love and appreciate them for that. My husband has spent a lot of time explaining to me that I shouldn't feel guilty that I didn't have appendicitis, I should be glad. He's happy that I'm not gravely ill and that we were urged by medical professionals to go to the ER and so we did. He thinks we did the right thing and doesn't regret anything. I regret everything. I feel guilty. I feel horribly guilty for spending (they're billing most of the services at a later date, so this is a guesstimate) between $400-800 on a bladder infection (we do not have health insurance). Everyone at work was really kind to me today and figured out a way to let me got home at a half day so I could get some rest. Just when I was beginning to feel a little less stupid and beginning to take a little less blame for the events of last night, I spoke to my mother. I hadn't talked to her at all yesterday, my husband had kept up with her. She emailed me this afternoon and asked me to call when I felt up to it. I called her. She proceeded to make me feel guilty all over again for going to the ER for something she now deemed trivial (although at the time she was supportive of seeking medical attention). Apparently I should be able to tell the difference between a bladder infection and appendicitis, regardless of what an urgent care doctor tells me. I didn't say much, just took it; I find it's not worth arguing with her. Any progress I made over not feeling guilty about the money spent and worrying a lot of people over something (that I can admit could have been serious) that ended up not being serious is pretty much gone.

In last weeks post I was contemplating writing my mother/parents a letter to get the coming out done. I think I'll try to write that letter this week, I know I won't send this version because I am biased against my mother at the moment. I still don't know if I'll send the letter (or some version of the letter) but, I think it will be really good exercise in coming up with what to say. I'll share whatever drafts I come up with.

Thanks for your love and support yesterday.

Mama's Day

So, I just got off the phone with my mother (since today is Mother's Day). I really wish she knew that I was Wiccan already. We ran into a few topics where my perspective was confusing to her, since she doesn't know my religion or assumes to know it. It was awkward.

I've been role playing the Coming-out conversation a lot lately. I need to write it down the next time I go thru it. My goal is to, while being calm, gently and firmly explain what I believe. I know I'm going to have to firmly establish that it isn't a phase and that I won't be/shouldn't be talked out of it. Ugh. I think I set too lengthy of a time to ponder over this. I really want to get it over with, but I don't want to do it over the phone or via email. Would writing a letter be a good middle ground? I don't know. If you have thoughts, I'd welcome them in the comments section.

:-/

Merry Beltane

Merry Beltane everyone!

Today my husband and I played music for a public Beltane ritual. It was the first pagan ritual I ever played for; I was expecting to get really nervous like I used to before I played at the Lutheran Church I went to as a kid/teen. I would have terrible stage fright at Church performances, but today was easy and fun and light. I really enjoyed it. I love having these moments that remind you that you're moving forward in life and that things are improving. :-)